Moving to escuela

15 Aug

This was written August 17, 2010… 5 days before I moved to Napa for the very first time. I found it in my drafts and couldn’t believe how much has changed in the past year. I’m pretty sure the reason I never posted it was because I sound like an emotional nutcase haha. I mean, up until this point I was writing about balls, sausage, my hair and how to get out of a ticket. And then things got reaaaaal. If you know me, it’ll be no surprise to hear of my magic skill of hiding out in my bat cave when things get real.

It’s very rare for me to truly share my feelings- both the good ones and the bad. So yeah, I read this and thought, whatevs… I’m so incredibly proud of the young woman I was then. I’m going to put it out there. I left it unedited and unfinished. It’s a first draft, so it may be a bit all over the place. But, it’s honest. 

How do you write a post about something you have been waiting for for so long? Is there a right way to do it? Is there a correct tone I should use? Should I get super personal? Funny? Really, my emotions feel like they are one a super roller coaster right now- not one of those you have probably ridden as a kid at an amusement park, but like the kind they will make in space someday. The kind that will dodge real astroids and blast through solar systems all while praying and hoping and wishing that you wont get eaten by  some giant alien starship or get lost in a black hole. WTF am I even talking about?

I cant decide if I am supremely excited to move just yet. I mean, of course I am, right? Who wouldn’t be? But, why am I also scared? Is it normal to want to cry every few hours and then to want to scream in excitement every hour in between? There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is what I want to do- I don’t want to confuse you and make you think that I am second guessing myself or regretting my decision. I’ve just never done anything like this in my life. I was supposed to be a teacher, or something in education. I was supposed to go back to school and get my masters or work with the special ed. Not do something completely different from anything or anyone around me. It was like a completely 180 career move. Not safe. Not planned. Just on a whim. To please a desire. 

I’m scared to leave. Me. The girl who hates to express any type of weakness or let on that I actually have feelings. I’m being what I’ve sworn I will never allow myself to be- vulnerable. I’m scared to leave my family. I’m scared to come back and see how much I’ve missed since being gone. I’m scared to not be in my siblings life every single day. To not hear my brother’s voice change (haha), to not be there when my little sister has boy problems. To not be able to help them with school work, see their games, get mad at them for being too loud and obnoxious. I’m going to miss making fun of my momma with them. 

OMG. I’m going to miss my mother. She’s crazy, but in the best possible way. Sometimes she forgets our names and then gets angry when we wont tell her. When she’s mad, she forgets English and will yell at us in Spanish. I’m going to miss smiling and asking for a hug while she’s yells at us in a foreign language. I’m going to miss watching Sex in the City, taking naps in her enormous, made for a queen bed, hearing her apologize for not having “voluminous” hair, and slapping her behind every single time she passes by me. Seriously, that things just screams slap me. 

I didn’t hang out with my family a lot these past few months. I thought it would make the move easier. As I sit here, in my boyfriend’s house, watching this beautiful boy about to take the dogs for a walk, I wonder… was it worth it? I’ve spent practically all my free time with him. This love of mine. We’ve been in and out of each other’s lives for years. This beautiful, sweet, strong boy who loves me with all his heart. He always has our best interest at heart. This boy who laughs at my blonde moments, loves that I am sporty challenged, doesn’t mind my innocence or naivety. This boy who actually looks at me, listens to me. I mean, if we could fall in love while having an eight month relationship STATES away, then we can last on opposite sides of the same state, right? 

Eh. I wish I was more scared about school. About the people I’ll meet, the classes, the chefs. But, I’m not. Im truly excited for those things. I cant wait for my future in Napa. I cant wait for new doors to open, to soak in everything around me. I’m just scared about what I am leaving behind. 

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