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Spread Love Like Fire

9 Nov

The other day I had a brief, but long overdue conversation.  It was one that I had wanted to have for so long, but just couldn’t bring myself to begin.  Basically, almost a year ago I did something I am incredibly not proud of, but needed to make right.  Not only for my sake and piece of mind, but because no matter what, people deserve respect and truth.  And karma is a biatch.

I’m not going to get into deets, but I will lend a few pieces of advice… Some of which I unfortunately have to constantly remind myself.

1.  A sincere apology is never too late.

2.  You deserve a guy who doesn’t want you to be his “main” girl, or his “other” girl, but his ONLY girl.  You deserve someone who absolutely adores every single thing about you… Who loves your type of crazy.

3.  Love yourself more.

4.  If something smells fishy, it probably is.

5.  Love is easy when you’re kind to others.

I will never put myself in a position like that again.  For someone who genuinely loves LOVE, I can’t believe I was ever there in the first place.

♥ Heather

ps.  girls don’t like pictures of you holding your junk.  particularly when you haven’t talked to the girl in months. and especially when you have a girlfriend.  respect her.  love her.  and if you’re going to try to cheat, be smart and don’t leave a paper trail.  unrelated to this specific case, but I thought males of the universe should know.  just saying. 


On what I should have said…

17 Aug

“Some of falling in love is allowing yourselves to be weak and knowing the other will be that mighty oak to lean on. Sounds like you’re both mighty oaks at all times. Oak trees don’t lean on each other though. Tom and I are one mighty oak, he is the trunk and I am the branches. Together we are a mighty source.” -Aunt Michele

My aunt told me this a few months ago after spilling my boy troubles. I liked a boy. He wasn’t perfect. At all. Seriously, he did some things that truly sucked. He definitely needed some work, but despite it all I still fell for him. I believed in his potential. In the man I knew he’d some day be.

It started off super cute. Texting all day, every day. Visits to the city, visits to Napa. A flower and my favorite type of wine on Valentine’s. But then, something happened. I got scared and I changed and because of that he did too.

The daily texts became non existent the day I moved to the city. It took him almost a month to visit me, despite living up the hill and working in the same building. It took longer than that just to see me, and when he did it wasn’t the same. There was no dating, no courtship, no cute calls or hand holding. It was sporadic. Late night calls telling me how much he liked me and plans for the future, late nights texts asking to hang out. But then, nothing while sober. Asking me what I was doing that weekend. Not to hang out, but just to know. I would receive more attention when he was gone in a different state or city than when he was within a few miles. He told me he didn’t want me to see anyone else, yet it was okay for him to text other girls while with me. Broken plans. There were were always either no plans, or broken ones. Empty words, empty promises. Disbelief when I told him I deserved more.

I didn’t trust him anymore and I think, he probably didn’t trust me.

I liked a boy and instead of being sweet to him, instead of caring for him, I was detached. I acted like I was too good for him. I played games and was cold. I let my insecurities and past take control. So, while complaining that he wouldn’t let me love him, I refused to let him love me. I never let him in or see my real emotions. I held him at a distance. I wouldn’t give in or be vulnerable because I’m used to being the strong one. I was scared of getting hurt. I don’t think he ever truly knew that I cared for him. Truly cared. My girlfriends knew, my guy friends knew, but he didn’t.

Instead of letting him hold me in public, instead of complimenting him, instead of letting him care for me, I told him about all the things he did that I hated. Never once the things that I loved.

This is what I should have told him.

I loved how much you love your friends. How happy and little boyish you’d get when you would tell me stories or show me pictures. How cute it was when you bought one of them their favorite cereal while we were grocery shopping. I even secretly loved when you’d call every single one of them in the morning, just to check up.

You were so cute on the dance floor. I know you thought I was annoyed with you, or that you were embarrassing, but I’m just very reserved when I’m around people I don’t really know.

Watching you feel the greatness that is Hall & Oates.

You walked into places like you owned them.

The nicknames. The late night calls. Even when I hated it, a part of me liked it.

How considerate you could be.

Hearing you talk about your dad reminded me of the same respect I have for my mom.

Seeing you eat my desserts. Even when you didn’t want to because of your diet.

How you would pull me in, hold me close and let me cuddle for as long as I wanted.

Your belief in the power of the universe.

Telling me to suck it up when I was in pain, not because you were being rude but because you were just raised by guys.

Telling me that you wanted to take care of me. As scary as that is, I think I could have let you.

Your ability to let go of the past. It’s my daily struggle and I envy you for it.

When you remembered my favorite wine and bought it for Valentine’s Day.

The single rose I kept for so long.

How you could remember my friend’s names and the stories that I would tell you. You would actually ask about them and my family.

When you took me around the city just so I can get a specific tea. At the time, I didn’t realize how annoying it must have been to drive.

Your visits at my work. Seeing your face through the glass window, or seeing how scared you were when someone walked by my counter. You have no idea how something that simple made me so happy.

I miss the few times you came to my door step.

You’d get so incredibly jealous. That’s actually kinda a love/hate thing.

Your drive.

Your texts from far away to check up on me. Making me promise I wouldn’t talk to other people. That’s also a kinda love/hate thing.

The pictures you would send me. Even the ones with your shirt tucked in and your pants hiked so high. Especially the ones with pink eye.

The movie I’ve watched so many times.

Integrity, character and self respect.

How you could make me feel safe, even when I wouldn’t let myself trust you.

Seeing you in sweats and slippers.

You are so strong.

You don’t really get tan, but you still try.

I can’t believe I tripped and fell the first time I met you. To this day I wonder if you even saw or remembered that. God I hope you didn’t.

This is why I liked him. The things he never heard. I came to the city with these feelings, wondering what would ever happen to us. With baggage, but hope that I could set aside my craziness. The past few months I blamed him, and never really looked at my behavior. I’m not saying he’s completely innocent. Obviously, he isn’t. But I’m finally recognizing that neither was I.

Maybe I was naive. Many have said this is just how it is in the city. But, I’ve dated other city boys and it just wasn’t like that.

The next time I feel this pain, I want it to be without regret. If anything, I’m going to wholeheartedly be open with the next one. I tried so hard to protect myself from getting hurt, but it inevitably happened anyways.

While packing my car full of boxes, I looked down my hill and saw this boy walking home hand in hand with a girl. Before passing my place, they walked to the opposite side of the street and he held her.

He held her.

He held her.

He held her.

Things come full circle. Now I’m leaving knowing it was too little too late.

I love ya baby but all I can think about is kielbasa sausage…

16 Jul

First of all, head on over to the girls at Burned. They are broke, single, and like to cook. Plus they also like to talk about boys and drinking which makes me want to fly on over to Iowa and be their best friends. Why? Because I am also broke, like to cook, talk about boys and drink! I’m not single, but trust me, I have plenty of stories!

Anyways, today I want to talk about sausage. Growing up, sausage always disgusted me. The color, the squishiness, the awful snap sound it makes when you bite into it. I never understood how people could look at this big piece of meat and think “Oh yeah, this looks exactly like something I want to stuff in my mouth”. What are they thinking? It’s not even pretty! Ewww.

But, as with all food phobias, I grew out of it with age. From Polish, to spicy Italian and smoky chorizo, I’ve sampled any and all throughout the years. And now, I kind of love it. In fact, I’ve been having a lot of it lately. Ooh la la! Especially after seeing the Cute Boy. I mean, I always knew the normal things you can do with it. But after two nights ago, I will never ever look at sausage the same. Promise. Really, who knew you could put it in so many things?

So, two nights ago I had this:

Umm, take your mouth off the floor, wipe the drool and let’s say it together… “yummm”. You’re probably thinking, what does this delicious hamburger have to do with sausage? First things first. This is not a hamburger. This, my friends, is a SuperBurger. A SuperBurger made by the Cutest Boy and bestest chef. His secret? A mix of hamburger meat and yes, spicy Italian sausage. You have no idea how absolutely wonderful it is to bite into a hamburger and get delish pieces of sausage. Oh, double yummm.

He was in charge of the meat and bbq, like all those of the male variety should be. Although I did flip it once. Yikes! I was in charge of the toppings- grilled red onion and peppers, tomatoes, arugula, mushrooms, and herbed goat cheese. I sorta forgot the buns, so we ate it protein style. Healthy (right?).

So yeah, that wasn’t my only first! I also went to a driving range for the first time ever!

We have yet to discuss my athletic abilities. Basically, I have zilch. I ran cross country and track in high school, but really, no one would call that running. It was more like, “my mom’s making me do a sport so colleges will think I was involved. Eeeww I’m getting all sweaty. Oh wow, those flowers look really pretty!”

The two sports I do excel at, however, are bowling and miniature golf. And by excel I mean there is a 50/50 shot of me showing up as Pro Heather. Which are pretty good odds, right? Basically, I just get really, really, reaaaally lucky half the time. Well, the pro side of me failed to show up last night. I wasn’t as good as I imagined I would be.  My miniature golf skills somehow gave me an inflated sense of my abilities. Weird. I somehow managed to NOT hit the ball more than a few times (wow, embarrassing), and only got it to the basket thingy like, twice. However, I got better toward the end! The sky was so pretty and golf was truly super relaxing!

Hope you all have an wonderful weekend! Eat sausage. Lots of it.


Two week hiatus is over!

28 Jun

Okay, so I haven’t blogged in more than a week. Actually, more like two, going on three weeks. Bad blogger! Heres a quick recap…

I’ve been doing things like:

Baking/Filling orders… yessss!

Nutella with white chocolate

English Toffee Cake Bites

S'more Cake Bites

Spinning is a drug and I am addicted! I started a couple of weeks ago and really dislike going more than a day without it. I’ve actually broken plans just so I can make a class. Eeeks!

Concerts at Detroit Bar in Costa Mesa. Now all you stalkers know I’m from Orange County. Great. Anyways, I went twice this month! Once with work friends to see our friend’s amaaazing band, The Steelwells. Click on the link and listen. Now. Click on the picture for more info!

I went a second time and reconnected with an old friend. The band kinda creeped me out, so I’m not going to even mention their name, but the convo was good and the old friend was cute. Like, really cute. Will discuss at another time.

Hung out with cute, old friend the next night. Btw, I am still thinking of a name for this friend. Will decide tomorrow! Can you really think of anything more romantic than having a boy cook for you? Especially when they cook well? Yummm.

Saw Toy Story 3 in Disney 3D. Loved it! Especially the Barbie and Ken scenes!

Museum with same cute boy. Hmmm… Learned about the Silk Road and my favorite, the art of the Pacific Islands. Also realized that every culture is really inspired by/enjoyed creating ummm, phallic symbols.

True Blood. Pure hotness.

Beaching. Tanning. Burning.

Almost finished reading Eat, Pray, Love. I loved this book at first, got kinda bored when she went to India, and wasn’t too excited about the Bali part. But now, LOVE again.

♥ Heather